29-June-2007: Happiness, Depression, The Sopranos, and other stuff
I can hear the close friends and family members sighing, Oh no, not more of this depression stuff, but, hold on a minute.
I've mentioned that I am clinically depressed and taking medications, but what does this mean, really? You see, people
automatically assume that I am unhappy—and that just isn't so.
Of course I have down days; who doesn't? And, I have up days. There are times when I notice something in the world
around me and I feel that I am privileged to be a witness to it. Maybe it's a snapping turtle digging a nest for her eggs in the gravel
on the shoulder of a highway. Maybe it's a red-tailed hawk soaring before me, as if it were an air-bourn scout. Sometimes it's just the
wind or a thunder storm that leaves me feeling exhilarated. It could be listening to my
wife's mild snore and feeling that she and I are so closely connected that I cannot imagine how I got through life before I met her.
The down times are when I curl up under my blanket, shivering with cold, with no energy to undertake any task, no matter how small.
Sometimes such days can stretch for several days. I don't like it when my brain chemistry acts in that way—and I am always searching for ways to defeat it—
but, honestly, I cannot say that during such times I am unhappy with the world or my place in it.
Depression means, to me, low energy and motivation. But I can certainly smile and joke. Okay, okay, yes, there was a time when I felt as if I were
in a black hole surrounded my snarling black dogs and I can say with certainty that I was unhappy then. But, with loving support (and a patience that astounds me) from
my family, and pharmaceuticals and counselling, I was able to crawl out of the hole and start living like a reasonable facsimile of a normal person.
I can get very annoyed when people make assumptions about my state of mind. It's as if they are saying, "You can't really be depressed. You're always so cheerful."
Yeah, right. And then I go to bed and have nightmares that make me thrash about and I wake up on a sheet soaked through with my sweat. Despite the anxiety
about going to sleep to be at the mercy of whatever my brain conjures up, I can move through a day perfectly content, feeling useful and productive.
And I hope no one ever says, Poor you. It must be awful to be depressed and have nightmares like that. They have no idea how insulting that is. I feel like
responding with, No, poor you. It must be terrible to lead such a bland existence. I'm a tough guy. I've always dealt with whatever life threw at me.
Problems are not roadblocks, they are things to be solved. I have a lot of faith in my brain's ability to do that.
My latest project: to work on solving logic problems every day in order to sharpen my ability to pay attention to details (which is something I'm not very
good at sometimes). It's an amazing feeling when I lock onto the solution and everything falls into place. I don't ever want to lose that joy.
Meanwhile, I have fallen back into not having the stamina to read books. That's something I'll tackle again in the future.
And, The Sopranos ended brilliantly. (I know it's a "controversial" ending—in other words, the viewer had to think about it.) Once again
Tony, with a little help from old friends, manages to strike a deal with his enemies. The result: the murder of Tony's main rival and the pressure is off. Tony and
family can go back to their "normal" lives. But, Tony dismisses his brother-in-law's murder as something that "has to be made right," and
the people responsible ask him to "provide a number." Even family has a price tag. To underscore this, Tony and wife Carmella bribe their son to set aside
his malaise with the corrupt state of the world, by offering him a job in the movie management business and tell him that if he does good, they will finance a club
for him. AJ responds by buying a BMW in which to show off his striking new girlfriend. Daughter Meadow is hired by a law firm that specializes in defending
officials in corruption cases. Meadow wants to concentrate on defending Italian-Americans, as she's seen how the police have been mistreating her father throughout
her life. In other words, everything will continue with a new generation poised to take over the world of organized crime.
In the final scene, Tony, Carmella, and AJ wait in a restaurant for Meadow. There are furtive glances around the restaurant as men who look suspiciously like
professional hit men from past episodes, encircle the booth where Tony and his family sit. Tony has already been informed by his lawyer that he will definitely
be indicted on very serious charges. Meadow finally parks her car and runs across the street to join her family—and the screen goes black.
What more is there to say? There is no "happily ever after." To quote Matthew Arnold's Dover Beach:
Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.